I haven’t done a new chapter of Dracula And Kittens yet because it takes a lot of effort, and my A.D.D. has been particularly bad as of late. Have no fear though, a new chapter is coming, and once I finish what’s essentially the part of the book re-telling Bram Stoker’s short story, Dracula’s Guest, I’ll put out the first four chapters as a Kindle single. From there, the fate of the book is in your hands. My agent wants me to write another non-fiction book, so if I want to continue doing Dracula And Kittens, I’m on my own. In that case, I’d like to get some proof of concept to know if pursuing self-publishing this book is a viable option, and that proof of concept will come from you.
You see, the book’s actual name is not Dracula and Kittens. I just haven’t said the actual name yet because I want to go and grab all the domain names and set some other DRM (Digital Reputation Management) stuff up before I go around using the full title. Plus, I want to see if people actually like it before I go any further. It has to be financially viable. That sucks, but as I documented with Social Media Is Bullshit, you don’t get rich writing books. You actually go broke writing it and starve while promoting your book.
Dracula’s Guest is pretty self-contained, meaning it’s perfect for me to release as a test run for this project. The story is allegedly the original first chapter from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (according to Bram Stoker’s widow, Florence), but other scholars who have studied the original Bram Stoker’s Dracula dispute that claim.
I think it is the original first chapter, but it doesn’t really matter what I think. I’m just some asshole taking a book that’s about repressed sexuality in the Victorian era and turning it into a book about our inability to communicate with each other in the modern era.
All that said, there’s something that keeps coming up that I thought was worth noting here about Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Dracula And Kittens. Dracula, which I only assume a lot of people haven’t read due to its age, length, and because we’re all so busy tweeting while taking a dump, actually has numerous narrators. In fact, the bulk of the original Bram Stoker’s Dracula’s narration is carried by Dr. Seward, not John Harker.
Some folks have thought that the entirety of Dracula And Kittens reads how John Harker’s first chapter reads here, but that’s not the case. I tried really hard to make the characters sound distinct from each other. Seward is more serious than Harker and is far more of a nerd. In fact, his opening line in Dracula And Kittens is, “Check the circuit”, which is also the first line ever uttered in all of Star Trek. (It’s the first thing Spock says in Star Trek’s pilot episode, “The Cage”.) You might notice other Star Trek jokes throughout the book, but they’re a little more obvious with Seward, as is his love of gaming and Game of Thrones (the books, not the show. Dracula And Kittens takes place in 2009, so he wouldn’t be aware of the show’s existence. In fact, he would only know of what happens in the story up to A Fest For Crows, meaning Seward’s really behind on things.)
Lucy Westenra is a giant Kristen Stewart parody. I’m going to tell you that upfront. If you like Kristen Stewart, you’re going to hate Lucy because the Twilight jokes and references are absolutely merciless. (And yes, the joke I make about 9/11 and Kristen Stewart found a way into the notes for her section. So we’ll see if I can work it in.)
And then there’s Mina. The running gag with Mina was that everyone thought she was prim and proper, but in her journal entries, she’s rude, foul mouthed, and sort of disgusting. All in funny ways of course, but again it plays into that “Failure to communicate” theme that’s rampant throughout the book.
So, there you have it. Although the first four chapters of Dracula And Kittens that are getting self-published consist entirely of only John Harker’s narration, if the project continues (and, that’s up to you and how many copies you buy), just know that the other characters narrating the book are different from Harker. Still funny, but different.
The reason I pushed ahead with Dracula And Kittens is partly because of John Harker writing the opening chapters. He sounds and acts like me, so I thought people fresh off reading Social Media Is Bullshit, and those having agreed to come along for the ride while I try to transition to stand-up comedy full time, can ease into a book that’s totally different from Social Media Is Bullshit if they found a familiar voice.
And if you haven’t read the original Bram Stoker’s Dracula, you absolutely should. It’s awesome and a classic. I didn’t think it was going to be when I first read it, but I stayed up all night reading the thing a few years ago and that’s rare. With the A.D.D. it’s hard to stay focused on things, and one of them are books, but I stuck with Dracula. You can visit the Project Gutenberg page here to download a FREE copy of Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
